I'd like to preface this with stating I don't write this to gain sympathy. My intention in writing this is to put it out there and let you know (in case you've ever felt the same) you're not alone . It's not really spoken about but surely if I've felt this way, someone else has, right? I guess I'm also doing it to help myself move on from it... and I suppose to explain myself to some people in my life. So here it is:
Getting pregnant/having a baby was the most secluding, loneliest time of my life. Please don't confuse that with me being ungrateful for my baby! Levi is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love her beyond measure. With that said, you would have thought I moved to the other side of the world! Having a baby is a HUGE life event. You want to share this happiness with people you love and who you think love you, right? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed and a bit bitter with some people I thought loved us. I'd also be lying if I said I was over it. haha! We had a handful of amazing people pour into us and visit this miracle! I can't express how thankful I am for those people. They're MY people and will always be.
But I guess this is where my mind goes haywire because I KNOW I should just be nothing but thankful and think positively about what I gained out of this stage in life....YES... I know. But I'm also aware that I need to acknowledge ALL of my feelings and maybe when I acknowledge them out loud, I'll realize it's just my ego. I also want you to know if you're reading this and we were SUPER close and then we weren't, this is probably why you haven't heard from me. You didn't care to reach out after this HUGE event. Social media doesn't count. My GOD, it doesn't count. I've tried my best to think "They're just super busy. It has nothing to do with me." and "They're probably dealing with a huge life event too" but then my mind goes back to "but is it a BABY!?" lol. And that's just my ego talking..... damn that ego. I had it in my mind that if someone I loved couldn't care less about me in a time like this, they don't love me and in return, I don't need them in my life. But.....that mindset hasn't made it any better. If anything, it's made me more bitter. I know I sound like a bitch right now, but in my defense (because I'm human and I'm trying to make you see my side) I am a new mother, my husband is on the road majority of the time, my family lives in TX, my photography is going south because for some reason people think once you poo out a baby, you can't click a button or something, and the friends that ARE there for me have normal jobs and aren't always available. I also have a history of depression and self loathing...... haha.
You know I'm actually glad I typed this out because reading it over, I see how often I thought "I, My, Me" and maybe 5% "They". It's really crazy how often we get in our own heads and believe the stories we tell ourselves. I want to believe that the ride or die friend I had before having Levi still loves me. They just handle things differently and show love a different way. So I'll reach out....without the mindset of "this is their last chance" but WITH the mindset of "hopefully they're open to hanging out this time". And I want to believe people still believe in my work. But I also don't want to care if they don't. It's not for everyone. And that's ok.
I'm in a new season of my life; it's constantly changing, but I like this one. I don't want to hold grudges. I don't want to worry if one of my friends actually enjoys my company. I don't want to compare another person's success to mine. I don't want to be obsessed with my post baby body weight. I want to be nothing but grateful. I have a roof over my head. I have a husband who loves me beyond measure. I have clothes. I have a crib for my baby to sleep comfortably. I have those whom I love and I KNOW love me. I am grateful.
Say it with me.
"I am grateful." (deep sigh)
AAAALRIGHTTTTT That may have been weird for some you, but thanks for actually sticking with me through this therapy session for myself. haha. Also, if you've ever felt this way, I'd LOVE to know I'm not alone or crazy. THANKS!